First.
It's just one of those nights.
All I can hear are the bugs and
even the slight hum of the florescent light posts.
Now that I am paying attention,
it's actually quite loud.
Perhaps a yell, or shout in the distance.
But for the most part,
silence.
So silent, it is almost eerie.
A crack over there.
Just someone walking.
I sit and remember you.
And soon I realize,
I'm all alone.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Second.
A sunken feeling in my chest.
Oh, here it comes again. I know this feeling.
An unknowing spirit of darkness looming overhead.
It strikes when I least expect it, but once it's presence is made known, I know exactly why it came.
A shadow falls over me and chills rush through me.
I shiver in the blackness, feeling alone. Afraid. Weak.
The black hole grows.
This strange and uninvited weight is sucking in everything around me.
The light
Gone
People
Gone
You
Gone
My heart
Gone
__________________________________________________________________________________
Third.
I can feel it in my stomach.
Stirring
Twisting
Churning.
It's on uneasiness beyond compare.
A slight movement and I'll be nothing.
If I move, it will be all over
and I'll have nothing left.
So what am I supposed to do?
Just wait for it to pass?
I ride my carousel, spinning without a destination.
Spinning to force it. Spinning to make it happen.
How foolish of me! I think.
My painful decision is immediately a regret.
But it's too late.
I feel it rising and I'm past the point of no return.
Everything is destroyed.
I fall on the floor, my heart and bones like glass shattering to pieces.
I'm broken. Empty. Abandoned. Used.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Fourth.
Your sweet taste is all that seems to satisfy me.
Your thick aroma of troubles, freedom, and lust are intoxicating.
To the nothingness that I am,
this broken shell,
you are all the makes me feel worthy.
So bring another round, bartender.
Fill me up.
This pathetic excuse for a person doesn't need anything else.
Forget the people and the places of before.
Their happiness eventually only caused me pain.
They never cared.
But you, my tall glass of liquid love, you care.
You treat me right, and you never let me down.
So to you I return every night.
Every night until the memory of him is gone.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Fifth.
From the floor I awoke.
My head spinning and my mouth tasting horribly.
I could barely swallow.
The burning in my throat was like fire.
My first attempt of movement let me finally get my head up.
With my mini boost of stability, I made a second attempt to move.
This left me in more pain than I felt initially.
The third and fourth tries resulted in a bruised knee and a scraped elbow.
Upon my feet, I finally stood the fourth time.
The room was spinning, but I made out where I was.
A church.
What happened last night? I thought.
Wallet missing, every body part screaming in pain
But I'm here.
At a church.
Did I bring myself here?
Why did I come here of all places?
From my knees, I spoke.
A surrendering prayer.
Oh God, help me.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Fin
Dirt, dirt everywhere.
It’s stuck in my hair
in my clothes
under my fingernails.
With every bite, I can hear the crunch, and feel the grittiness in my mouth.
I don’t even want to eat anymore.
The dirt, the dirt is everywhere.
I take a shower, expecting the water to wash this dirt off.
But it doesn’t. It can’t.
I scrub.
I scrub so hard I start to scream.
I bleed.
My skin, tearing. My heart, aching.
With everything in me, I scrub and I wash.
This soap and water does not clean deep enough.
I JUST CAN’T MAKE IT STOP.
Please. Someone.
Help me make it all stop.
It’s stuck in my hair
in my clothes
under my fingernails.
With every bite, I can hear the crunch, and feel the grittiness in my mouth.
I don’t even want to eat anymore.
The dirt, the dirt is everywhere.
I take a shower, expecting the water to wash this dirt off.
But it doesn’t. It can’t.
I scrub.
I scrub so hard I start to scream.
I bleed.
My skin, tearing. My heart, aching.
With everything in me, I scrub and I wash.
This soap and water does not clean deep enough.
I JUST CAN’T MAKE IT STOP.
Please. Someone.
Help me make it all stop.
Creation
A blank, white page.
Full of life. Full of potential.
You can be anything!
You appear to have structure, but you aren’t strict enough to ENFORCE IT.
My pen in hand is the maker,
And you are the clay
Molding to each of my words, coming to life by a word here, and a scribble there.
Another swift movement…
More personality.
No one is quite like you
With your shape.
With these words,
This handwriting.
Look at you! Not so innocent anymore.
You are covered in marks and scratches. The ink is everywhere on you!
But don’t worry. For even if no one else likes you, I created you.
And I love you with all your marks.
Full of life. Full of potential.
You can be anything!
You appear to have structure, but you aren’t strict enough to ENFORCE IT.
My pen in hand is the maker,
And you are the clay
Molding to each of my words, coming to life by a word here, and a scribble there.
Another swift movement…
More personality.
No one is quite like you
With your shape.
With these words,
This handwriting.
Look at you! Not so innocent anymore.
You are covered in marks and scratches. The ink is everywhere on you!
But don’t worry. For even if no one else likes you, I created you.
And I love you with all your marks.
Just This Once
09/21/10
I am done.
Too much at once.
No more calling my name.
No more doing things for you.
This should have been done three days ago!
No more picking up the slack.
No more excuses.
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
No more "Please, just this once."
No more guilt.
Not more frustration.
No more unwanted emotions.
I have had enough.
I am done.
No more relationship.
I am done.
Too much at once.
No more calling my name.
No more doing things for you.
This should have been done three days ago!
No more picking up the slack.
No more excuses.
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
No more "Please, just this once."
No more guilt.
Not more frustration.
No more unwanted emotions.
I have had enough.
I am done.
No more relationship.
Untitled
You.
Look at me.
Smile at me.
Know me.
Like me.
Love me.
Hurt me.
Quit on me.
Leave me.
Forget about me.
Alone.
Look at me.
Smile at me.
Know me.
Like me.
Love me.
Hurt me.
Quit on me.
Leave me.
Forget about me.
Alone.
09/21/10
Sitting.
Waiting.
Looking around.
Everyone else is already writing.
Maybe I'll just write something too,
just to look productive.
I think it's working now!
All of you have been fooled.
I look at my watch.
The numbers remind me of something out of Alice in Wonderland.
Pens continue to move.
But nothing here.
Nothing in here.
More writing! He demands.
More creativity!
It's not so easy! I cry out.
Well, I cry out inside.
Never will I give myself away.
I can't let everyone know that I'm stuck in an unrealistic writer's block.
Just keep writing, I say to myself.
Just keep the pen moving.
No one will ever know.
Waiting.
Looking around.
Everyone else is already writing.
Maybe I'll just write something too,
just to look productive.
I think it's working now!
All of you have been fooled.
I look at my watch.
The numbers remind me of something out of Alice in Wonderland.
Pens continue to move.
But nothing here.
Nothing in here.
More writing! He demands.
More creativity!
It's not so easy! I cry out.
Well, I cry out inside.
Never will I give myself away.
I can't let everyone know that I'm stuck in an unrealistic writer's block.
Just keep writing, I say to myself.
Just keep the pen moving.
No one will ever know.
Noise
09/22/10
It started off with a smile.
Your cheesy grin made me spend $4 a night on too expensive coffee.
But I did it.
I do it.
Because I think your smile is worth it.
And every time I go, it’s only to see you.
Although I would never tell you that.
Especially not now.
My guess is that you would smile and say,
Thanks friend. I appreciate that.
Then never show up again.
I would most likely not come back either. Because if you weren’t there, I would actually have no desire to go anymore.
Do you remember that one night you told me about your favorite writer?
Well, now I can’t stop reading his work.
Do you remember that time you finally asked me what my name was?
Well, now I write poems about you.
It started off with a smile.
Your cheesy grin made me spend $4 a night on too expensive coffee.
But I did it.
I do it.
Because I think your smile is worth it.
And every time I go, it’s only to see you.
Although I would never tell you that.
Especially not now.
My guess is that you would smile and say,
Thanks friend. I appreciate that.
Then never show up again.
I would most likely not come back either. Because if you weren’t there, I would actually have no desire to go anymore.
Do you remember that one night you told me about your favorite writer?
Well, now I can’t stop reading his work.
Do you remember that time you finally asked me what my name was?
Well, now I write poems about you.
09/22/10
It takes just one second to think it.
At nighttime it's even faster.
We go outside and lay on a blanket.
Why I grabbed a blanket, I have no idea.
The grass is soft enough.
I lay down and gaze up at the sky.
So many stars.
As if God got a bucket of sparkly sand and threw it across the sky.
So many tiny lights.
So many constellations.
So many other people looking at this same sky.
SO many people looking at a completely different sky, yet the same sky as me all at the same time.
A sudden thought.
How small I truly am.
At nighttime it's even faster.
We go outside and lay on a blanket.
Why I grabbed a blanket, I have no idea.
The grass is soft enough.
I lay down and gaze up at the sky.
So many stars.
As if God got a bucket of sparkly sand and threw it across the sky.
So many tiny lights.
So many constellations.
So many other people looking at this same sky.
SO many people looking at a completely different sky, yet the same sky as me all at the same time.
A sudden thought.
How small I truly am.
09/13/10
There's just too much pressure in here. It's completely surrounding ever corner and side of me. But no matter what I try to do, the unbreakable barrier of building blocks is confident. Is strong. Is more than I can take.
I can see everyone, but no one seems to be able to see me.
Something happened one day. A block fell out. I relaxed and started thinking about what was on the outside of my personal prison and a block just fell out. A gust of crisp, cool air came through and blew my tangled hair out of my eyes. A few people got to see me. Some people noticed me. But no one smiled. No one talked to me. No one really cared.
Everyday since then, I have tried to make it happen again. But now it's just forced. Now that I know what I need to do to break down the wall, it isn't as easy anymore! When I make my attempt, it's now just fake and caked with phoniness.
In desperation I cry
OH GOD. I can't do this anymore.
The whole
wall
falls.
I look over to my right.
How long have you been here, I ask.
I have always been here, my daughter. I was just waiting on you to remember.
I can see everyone, but no one seems to be able to see me.
Something happened one day. A block fell out. I relaxed and started thinking about what was on the outside of my personal prison and a block just fell out. A gust of crisp, cool air came through and blew my tangled hair out of my eyes. A few people got to see me. Some people noticed me. But no one smiled. No one talked to me. No one really cared.
Everyday since then, I have tried to make it happen again. But now it's just forced. Now that I know what I need to do to break down the wall, it isn't as easy anymore! When I make my attempt, it's now just fake and caked with phoniness.
In desperation I cry
OH GOD. I can't do this anymore.
The whole
wall
falls.
I look over to my right.
How long have you been here, I ask.
I have always been here, my daughter. I was just waiting on you to remember.
09/01/10
Today I will
Give a stranger a high five
Eat a new food
Remember to put deodorant on
Talk to my psychology professor
Wear my hair straight
Drink six glasses of water inside of six cups of coffee
Visit an old roommate
Try to not trip
Write a list poem
Give a stranger a high five
Eat a new food
Remember to put deodorant on
Talk to my psychology professor
Wear my hair straight
Drink six glasses of water inside of six cups of coffee
Visit an old roommate
Try to not trip
Write a list poem
First
08/30/10
It's just one of those nights.
All I can hear are the bugs and
even the slight him of the florescent light posts.
Now that I am paying attention,
it's actually quite loud.
Perhaps a yell, or shout in the distance.
But for the most part,
silence.
So silent, it is almost eerie.
A crack over there.
Just someone walking.
Ever dream of people turning into zombies and chasing after you?
Too many horror films for me, I guess.
Should probably stick to cheesy chick flicks from here on out.
It's just one of those nights.
All I can hear are the bugs and
even the slight him of the florescent light posts.
Now that I am paying attention,
it's actually quite loud.
Perhaps a yell, or shout in the distance.
But for the most part,
silence.
So silent, it is almost eerie.
A crack over there.
Just someone walking.
Ever dream of people turning into zombies and chasing after you?
Too many horror films for me, I guess.
Should probably stick to cheesy chick flicks from here on out.
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